Recently in Life in General Category

I will always remember January 14, the day I reached my official goal weight. I weighed myself after working out, saw my number pop up and immediately broke out in a big smile. My only regret is that I was at the Seattle club, and if I'd been with my boot camp/sports conditioning friends at Willows, well, I would have announced the news very loudly.

Of course, once I got home, I told others. I texted Pete: "[goal weight], bitch". And updated my Facebook status: "I have reached my goal!!!!!! I was 12 years old when I last weighed today's weight...if you knew me then, you have an idea of what I look like now, only with better hair, a better rack and much better attitude :)". Tracy and Char snapped a few pictures and I posted pics to accompany the status update (which you can see below). The comments and notes in Facebook and in real life from friends were truly amazing - tons of congratulations and so many kind, wonderful, nice and encouraging words.

And in one of those wonderful coincidences, I was headed to the Herb Farm that evening! Really, the most perfect way EVER for a foodie to celebrate something as momentous as reaching my goal weight after months of hard work. Yes, a few champagne glasses were clinked, truffles were savored and wine was enjoyed (never fear, I'll write more in another posting).

So, some numbers to share:

• Total weight lost: From my highest weight (in May), 48 pounds, and from the start of the program, 40 pounds.
• Time: I started 20/20 on July 8. I'll "officially" finish on Feb 1. Although, I'll never really finish.
• Size: I shrunk from a 16/XL to an 8/medium. Sometimes, I wear a small!
• Clothing Donations: 8 grocery bags have already been donated, five more are filled and need to be sorted, and I still have two drawers of clothes to sort, which will probably fill at least 1 or 2 more bags.
• Running: I shaved about 2 minutes off of my (comfortable) mile run time, going from about 11:30 to 9:30. I can't quite tell you how much my endurance has shot up, but at this point, a 6 mile run is very, very doable. When boot camp starts up again in April, I'm planning to run with the alphas and bravos (the faster running groups, versus the slower charlie group).

And some favorite quotes/moments along the way:

• "Schelley, you're in great shape. I can tell because you're not sweating enough." - Billy, my sports conditioning instructor. When class ended, I headed out for a 4 mile run.


• "I kept trying to tempt her. But she always refused. It didn't matter, I was going to take it away anyways." - The always encouraging Pete. But when I really needed the treat, he made sure I got some, and always, always let me take a drink of whatever he was drinking.


• "I miss the old Schelley, the one who drank." - many, many people


• "You are an athlete now." - Matt, my personal trainer


• "Schelley, you are pure muscle." - My Aunt Jan, while hiking behind me


• "Um, every time I see you, you shrink." - many, many people


• "You are an inspiration!" - many, many people. And if you know me, "inspiring" is not the adjective most likely to be used to describe me. But I'll go with it.

Now, the really, really hard part starts: maintain, maintain, maintain, or in other words, keep the weight off. The long-term statistics are scary. About half of 20/20 alum regain the weight. Does this number seem low? Actually, it's incredibly impressive - 95% of Weight Watchers/Diet Center/insert name of weight loss program participants regain the weight. The road to reach my goal weight has been tough...the road to maintain it is even tougher. The good news is that the longer I maintain my weight, the easier it gets. And by "longer", I mean years.

I have put plans in place. I'll work out with my trainer weekly. Sports Conditioning in the winter and Boot Camp in the summer are a fundamental part of my life, and luckily, 11 years of making it to the gym multiple times a week means that any sort of slacking with exercise will be difficult. I'll continue checking in with my nutritionist quarterly. I have monthly check-in questions for myself. I'm planning to do some half marathon/marathons, and know that if I want to continue running and pushing myself, I can't gain the weight. Plus, most of the size 16 clothes are gone. If I gain, I have nothing to wear, and replacing an entire wardrobe is not cheap.

I am close, very close, to my goal weight, and thought that now would be a good time to tell you a little bit about things I've learned along the way. Some of my findings are funny, some are surprising, and a few fall in the "what the hell is Schelley thinking?" category. Enjoy!

By the way, I know a few of you are curious about my numbers and would perhaps like to see a few pictures. All will be published when I reach my goal, which hopefully, will be before Christmas. A gift from the Christmas gods, I believe.

• The Food Part Was Better Than I Imagined. Ok, well, the first few weeks of protein and berries were tough, but once real foods, like vegetables and dairy and fruits and grains were integrated back into my diet, managing to eat well and deliciously was much easier than I had ever imagined. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing, rather, I was making better choices.
• The Mental Part was Harder Than I Ever Imagined. It turns out that integrating the mental - through group and individual therapy - into 20/20 is a brilliant idea. While figuring out why I gained weight and my food/alcohol triggers, the coping mechanisms and having the mental support from a group going through the exact same thing as you, is all good, remaking yourself physically also brings up a number of emotions and feelings, some good, some bad, all needing to be processed and understood. I now understand why Jillian asks those tough questions when she's beating the shit out of the Biggest Losers - the mental has been the most important part. Which brings me to...
• The Support Network. My friends rock. Despite the fact that Pete consistently tried to tempt me along the way, everyone has been a huge rock of support. Compliments, always letting me have a sip, not making fun of my food, asking questions and listening to me talk about changes and frustrations and happiness and always, always providing encouragement. Beyond my core group, colleagues at the Big M, a few of whom have done 20/20, almost all of whom know someone who has done the program, have been fabulously supportive. Plus, the support from the 20/20 people, particularly my dietician and my trainer, has been amazing. No one judges.
• Sacrifices. I'm not going to lie - I have sacrificed a lot while doing 20/20. I've said no to social events, especially those involving food, just because it would have been too awkward. And when everyone around you is drinking and you're not, well, sometimes it's just sad and weird (although, watching others get drunk around me has its benefits). Has it been worth it? The jury is still fully out, but considering that I'm now running faster and stronger, and feeling so much healthier, and oh by the way, wearing sizes I never thought possible, well, you know which camp I'm leaning towards.
• Too Much Exercise = No Loss. Yeah, totally crazy, but for some people, over exercising inhibits weight loss. I was doing great until I started training for the half marathon, and then the weight loss window practically slammed shut. On the other hand, I lost an almost insanely high number of inches during that same period, so obviously, something was happening. Best compliment ever: my trainer told me that I wasn't sweating enough and had become an athlete. Second best compliment: A friend squeezed my thigh, and said "wow. You are all muscle. Wow."
• Peanut Butter is Delicious. My diet requires a daily tablespoon of peanut butter, which could be considered the best part of my day. It's been a long, long time since I've enjoyed peanut butter (I think I overdosed on PB&J in college), and I have to say, peanut butter is wonderful. It feels decadent, triggering my sweet and salty taste buds, tasting fatty and creamy against my tongue. It's a secret indulgence.
• Weight Loss is Expensive. I've dropped several sizes, which means that I am buying a brand new wardrobe. I tried my best not to buy too many "in between clothes", but at a certain point, I needed stuff that fit. For some reason, I naively thought that I could continue wearing all of my old clothes and then buy new ones at the end, proving that I'm not always the brightest. I've now bought the exact same pair of Gap jeans in three different sizes. Not that I'm complaining or anything, because really, it's shopping, but wow, it's expensive. If you're looking to buy me a gift, I think you know what would make me really happy.
• Shopping is Now Fun. I've never been a big fan of shopping, mainly because as a size 16, well, my choices were a bit limited. Now, I kind of enjoy shopping. Everything fits, I'm exploring new styles and wearing clothing that I would never have worn six months ago, an unexpected and very pleasant result.
• I Miss the Insulation, and the Twins. I've been making fun of friends who wear scarves inside for years, once saying, "I'm slightly suspicious of people who wear scarves indoors". Now I get it. Before, I didn't need to wear a scarf inside, because, well, I had a layer of natural insulation. Now, that layer is gone...and as winter has set in in Seattle, I've gotten really cold. And the twins...Carrie summed it up best for me a few weeks ago when she said, "Schelley, I love the way you look. But these," waving her hands in the direction of my chest, "I miss these!" So sad. And then she forced me to try on a sexy black dress. Hmmm...
• Croissants & Cupcakes: Periodically, I'll crave random foods, something that usually goes away after a few days. But there have been two consistent cravings: croissants and cupcakes. I think the croissant is somewhat out of habit - every few weeks, I'd treat myself to a croissant at either Fuel or Vivace with my morning coffee. A high quality croissant is really a delightful day to start the day. Now, I try not to gaze longingly at the croissant case, but it's hard not to think about the deliciousness of this French pastry. I'm more puzzled by the cupcake cravings. While longtime readers of this blog know that I am enamored with cupcakes, it's not like I ate a cupcake a day, or even weekly or monthly. But still, I think about cupcakes. Oh snap.
• Alcohol is Essential. I've already written about this, but let me once again repeat - I really miss wine. I am looking forward to bringing it back to my life, in a much more measured way, of course.
• I Didn't Know a Lot About Nutrition. I thought that I was a healthy eater and did a solid job of cooking healthy, and compared to a lot of other people, that's a true statement. And then I joined 20/20...and learned enough to know that I knew far less than I thought. Nutrition is complicated - I meal track, not just looking at calories, but trying to consume the correct ratios of protein, carbs and (healthy) fats. It's a moving target, depending on my exercise for the day or plans for the next day. And completely fascinating.
• Most of Us Are Not as Healthy as We Think. Enough said.

I've been nearly off the wagon since July, an astoundingly long period of time considering a lifetime of love for the wine, beer and hard liquor.

I knew that when I started 20/20, I would need to give up alcohol, at least for the short term. I somehow thought that I could work it in at some point, but it turns out that when you're watching your calories and your protein/carb/fat ratios and your time is being spent doing the 20/20 stuff and you're exercising 6 days a week, well, there isn't much room or energy for alcohol. A sad state, considering the wonder associated with those empty calories.

That's not to say I've been completely dry - I've had a few drinks along the way. A glass of champagne at Carrie's in July to celebrate her new job. A glass and a half of wine and a half of glass of champagne at Richard and Melissa's wedding. A glass of wine after Hump. A half of chocolate martini at Pete's house. A glass of wine in the middle of a stressful research project. Most recently, last weekend, two glasses at dinner with Nilay and two glasses the next day at the Big Game party. Oh, and a few sips of others' drinks along the way. Needless to say, I've turned into a big ol' lightweight. Two glasses and I am d-r-u-n-k. Seriously, did any of you ever expect that?

I didn't really miss alcohol in the beginning. My meals were weird, I was adjusting to the diet and the lifestyle, and I was just fine. And since starting, with about two exceptions, I've never really missed beer or hard alcohol, even my beloved Sierra Nevada or greyhounds. (This points to some changing dietary tastes, another topic).

But wine...oh, I've missed wine, my friend. This desire for a glass of wine kicked in once my meals seemed to be a bit closer to what I considered "normal", when I really felt like I was in control of my food choices to a greater extent. And wine is almost always complimentary to a great meal - the right glass of wine brings out the best in food. There have been more than a few meals when I've thought "wow, this is fabulous. If only I had a glass of wine to go with".

Despite this, I've been ok with life sans wine. But there have been periods when I've swung to the opposite end, when I've been angry that I "couldn't" have a glass of wine. A very stressful October just pushed me into a zone...I desperately wanted wine, viewing it as one of the only stress relievers I had left to pull in my life. Regardless, with one exception, I still chose not to drink, which considering my history, is a huge change (note that I did not say that I "resisted", rather "chose". Think about that).

As I've learned about food and its relationship to my body, I've figured out that alcohol has had two major, interrelated impacts. First, the empty calories do count for something (as hard as it is to acknowledge that alcohol is calories)...and drinking never helps anyone's weight. From a scientific level, I also figured out that once alcohol carbs hit my system, it caused a chemical reaction that well, created a desire for more alcohol and (ironically) more food. So having a late afternoon beer, and then a pre-dinner glass of wine kicked off a chain reaction of more wine with dinner and overeating. Second, alcohol functions as a depressant, and in my system, it almost always creates feelings of exuberance and happiness. If I'm bored or lonely or happy or sad, alcohol almost always makes me feel better, happier. I've almost always been a happy drunk, and really, alcohol helped me avoid some of my problems. Both - the calories/chemical reaction and positive stimulant - worked together quite nicely to maintain my BMI at an "obese" level.

So it's not surprising that I've been addressing a few issues with my therapist.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to reaching my goal and completing 20/20. I have figured out how to bring wine (and others) back into my diet and my life in a much saner, reasonable way. It's an important part of my life that regardless of all that has happened and that I've learned, I'm just not ready to give up. After all, the great muse Homer Simpson once said "Here's to alcohol, the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems". Sage words, indeed.

The changes have been dramatic, or at least, that's what others tell me. Really, most of the time I have a hard time seeing a difference. But there are moments when suddenly, clearly, I am acutely aware that something is different. I've caught glimpses of myself in a mirror when I'm surrounded by people, and will pause and think "wait, I'm which one?" Sometimes, I feel as if my body occupies a different dimension and space. Chairs that I regularly sit in - like my office chair or the standard conference room chairs - have begun to fit different. The aisles of an airplane are a bit wider, the seats a bit roomier, but still, just as uncomfortable.

Mostly, I am now acutely aware of my bones, not in the "time for the chiropractor" way, but in how they seem to poke out in places that I never expected. About 2 ½ months ago, while taking a shower, I was surprised to feel my front ribs. A few weeks later, while talking to Hilary in her office, I reached around to scratch my back and exclaimed "oh my goodness, I feel back ribs!" My hip bones are pokey. My collar bones stand out. And my spine seems to float dangerously close to my skin.

Will my bones miss the comfortable layer of protection? More importantly, can any of these pokey bones be used as a weapon?

That, my friends, is a beautiful piece of romanesco broccoli from the Capitol Hill Farmer's Market. I'm a big fan of the Farmer's Market, and try to do a sweep every Sunday. Not only is the food delicious...but well, I have a healthy lifestyle to maintain.

In terms of "diets", the 20/20 program actually hasn't been that bad. In fact, as I've progressed, I've learned to make adjustments to my cooking style, using old recipes and finding new ones. We all know just how picky I am with food - it's all about quality ingredients and what tastes good - and I've succeeded in maintaining my standards. I've learned a ton about nutrition and how to cook food that is healthier. It's not that my cooking wasn't unhealthy to begin with, but I needed to make small changes, moving the dial about 20 degrees. (Although it's fair to point out that if I cooked as healthy as I thought, I wouldn't be doing 20/20).

I fully admit, food wise, the first few weeks on the program were rough. I cried regularly, had to work at home a few days just because I couldn't bear to face seeing anyone else. I also had to decline a few invitations to foodie events. The food situation was just not optimal. An elimination diet, I spent a week eating large amounts of protein and berries. Theoretically, I was also supposed to drink special protein shakes with every meal, but alas, I was part of the small percentage that got violently ill from the protein shakes, so my life was all protein, all berries. I won't go into some of the gruesome details, and while I was satiated and did drop a significant amount, I don't ever want to repeat this part of the diet. My energy levels were low, I almost passed out at the gym and my hands were tingly. And the hardest part: walking through the farmer's market, seeing all of the beautiful produce and just being sad. So sad.

One week in, most vegetables came back in (starchy vegetables, like winter squash, corn and potatoes, weren't allowed until recently). That was a happy, happy day.

In subsequent weeks, other things have been added: dairy (non-fat Greek yogurt rocks, pineapple and cottage cheese is a treat, and the quality of the non-fat/low-fat cheeses has improved substantially since I worked in the deli in the early 1990s); fruit; legumes (mmmm, hummus!); grains (of the whole variety, like steel-cut oats, whole wheat couscous, quinoa, brown rice); and most recently, bread (whole wheat, of course, and here's to Dave's bread, which I loved even before I discovered that it's good for you). At this stage, I'm really only missing chocolate and wine (you know which one I miss the most of the two).

As each food has been added, I've had to figure out how it makes me feel. Luckily, nothing has made me sick. And I've discovered a few things. Dairy makes me hungry, thus explaining how I can't stop myself once I've started snacking on cheese. So, if I do yogurt for breakfast, I need to add some form of protein. And speaking of protein, I've found that eating protein in the morning helps curb hunger throughout the day. I eat a lot of egg whites. The jury is still out on bread - I have a feeling that it may be a trigger food, i.e., something that inhibits weight loss.

I cook a ton, I plan ahead: it's a constant balancing act. I need to maintain a set number of calories, and that requires making some big choices each day, ensuring that I get the proper balance of protein, carbs and fat (which, I've learned, should be a balance for each meal). So for example, if I want to treat myself to t-bone steak for dinner (allowed), I need to keep my calories down at lunch and breakfast. If I make a sandwich for lunch (bread is pretty high caloric), I consume fewer calories for breakfast and dinner. I can either have grains or legumes, so if I eat oatmeal for breakfast, no snacking on hummus with my carrots when I make dinner. I meal track (hurrah for iPhone apps, LoseIt is pretty good), not only looking at calories, but trying my best to maintain the correct protein to carbs to fat ratios.

And I experiment. Some meals have been downright boring - turkey cutlets are just uninspiring. And I've done my best to avoid the ultra-boring chicken breasts, an amazing feat. I've also begun to tinker with recipes, making adjustments to cut the fat, substituting ingredients. There's a ton of play with many recipes, and it's fun to experiment. And the farmer's market: I've always been willing to try new stuff, and this new lifestyle has pushed me to try even more. It's fun...and delicious.

That romanesco? I steamed with some chicken broth, then served with a reduced balsamic vinegar. Fabulous!

And for show, a few other dishes that I've recently feasted on.

First up, Lebanese Style Stuffed Eggplant, courtesy Smitten Kitchen. My adjustments: left out the pine nuts, used about one tablespoon of olive oil to saute the onions and substituted bison for ground lamb and brown basmati rice for the jasmine rice. So delicious, and happily still snacking on leftovers. Oh, and speaking of bison, I've discovered that it's a pretty tasty meat.

Next, roasted turkey breast (deboned, brined and then grilled), baked squash, beets and black quinoa (there's also red quinoa, and the very traditional and much more available white varietal). Another delicious meal, with enough leftovers for turkey sandwiches and dinners.

And finally, another one of my farmer's market favorites: purple carrots. Sweet, crunchy, they taste just like carrots should taste.

Hello. I've been gone for a while. So here's my "excuse": I joined the 20/20 program to well, get my body and mind in order. Or in other words, the Biggest Loser club, only without the TV cameras, Bob and Jillian and the insane competition.

Why? Well, a few weeks into boot camp this spring, I had an epiphany: I wasn't going to run faster carrying around extra weight. My endurance was so-so, and I really wanted it to increase. As I thought about this a little longer, I realized that despite leading a fairly active lifestyle, with the whole running and gym thing and living in a neighborhood where I walked everywhere and trying to be a healthy eater and avoiding processed foods, I was still "fat". Clinically, according to the handy-dandy BMI chart, I was obese. Kind of an odd contradiction, as I always thought of the obese as spending quality time on the couch, eating copious amounts of McDonald's, cheetos and freetos, not waking up in time for 6AM grueling trail runs. But still, the numbers don't lie.

And then I started to think about other things, like how I'm enrolled in the privileged cancer club. Genetics has already put me at risk for the breast (horror!) and colon type; fat around your middle gives you a VIP club entry. Thanks to free screening at work, I discovered that my bad cholesteral was high (and oddly, the good cholesteral normal. whatever). And, since I'm now 36 and officially an "older mother" candidate, it goes without saying that the debate about whether or not to reproduce has begun, and from what I can tell, a healthy body from the start is a good thing. And then I realized that despite all of my best intentioned efforts over the years to reduce, I had always, always hit a wall and just couldn't move past it on my own.

Since starting at the Big M, I'd heard about a program at my gym, called 20/20 Lifestyles. I didn't really know much about the details, asked around, and word on the street said 20/20 was a good thing. I even heard things like "exceptional" and "life transforming" and "if you do it, you won't regret it." People, considering that this comes from colleagues, all of whom are required to be type A and highly critical to work here, well, praise like that can not be ignored.

I made a decision to enroll, and over the span of three weeks, got doctors permissions, approval from my insurance company, and booked a bunch of appointments for things like blood work and health and fitness assessments and more doctors appointments. Oh, and I boozed it up and said farewell to a few foods.

On July 8, I officially started the 20/20 program.

You're probably wondering what this really means, right? Well, first, the basic facts of my 20/20 life. I work with a trainer three times a week and promise "cross my heart" to work out on my own twice a week (hello, boot camp!) I track my meals, I meet with a nutritionist once a week. I attend individual therapy sessions and am working my way through 10 group therapy sessions. At the end of 16 weeks - approximately the beginning of November, give or take, I begin 12 weeks of maintenance, with personal training twice a week, complemented by my own workouts three times a week, a nutritionist appointment every other week, and more individual therapy. Plus, there's the time spent cooking and organizing for the next day or the next week.

This is serious stuff: I signed a contract, I wrote a check, my insurance company wrote an even bigger check, I agreed that I would dedicate 10-15 hours per week to the program, which in reality has expanded to 15-20 hours per week. Basically, I'm participating with all of my heart and soul.

So what about the results? All goodness, to report. First, my running speed is up, not a huge amount, but enough to make a difference. But my running endurance, wow, has zoomed up - very little walking, and runs that seemed to take forever now just zip along. Poundage has been lost. New clothes in smaller sizes are being acquired. It is all downhill from here. Or really, down poundage.

Oh, and my BMI? Now, I'm just "overweight".

I had big plans to blog about my experience, and started a journal. But a week and a half in, I just couldn't write. I was depressed and it just seemed, well, not fun or interesting. And then, for a long time, I just couldn't bring myself to write in this blog. Not that the food part is bad - the flexibility is amazing and I've made some tasty stuff - but what could I say? So I've been silent for a while. Plus, I've just been wiped - it's a lot of stuff going on at once, but that's for another entry. Which there will be more of - thought pieces, touching on topics like the food situation, life sans alcohol and the emotional stuff.

So now you know all about my excuse. It's my 20/20 life.

Note: This was supposed to be published two weeks ago, but when I thought I clicked publish, it was actually unpublished.

I haven't published much over the past few months. It's not because I haven't been cooking and eating and drinking really delicious wine, but really, all of the other things called life that get in the way.

Boot camp started in April, I found out that the fun and challenging sports conditioning class that substituted for Boot Camp over the long, long winter was now available on Fridays, meaning three 6AM gym times each week. I started playing ultimate frisbee once a week at the beginning of June. The sun came out, which meant more running outside. Plus I still try to do my "regular" workouts (40 minutes on the elliptical seems like such a low stress workout now). All of this means that exercise time has increased a bunch. And on top of that, work became much, much busier, but that's good. And if you were wondering, I have survived the recent well-publicized cuts that Bill's empire doled out.

Oh, and let me repeat: the sun has come out. I can't even explain how that has changed everything about Seattle. Life is so much better with a daily dose of sun, limited layers and almost zero threat of snow.

And finally, I just wasn't feeling motivated. This blog is created with software that is painful to use and has caused me more than a few grey hairs. I thought that upgrading to the newest version would mean "easier" to use and make changes, but alas, that has not happened. I manage to get pictures posted, but, it's a multi-step process that I find ridiculous and stupid. I really, really would like to add a list of "blogs that I read and recommend", but despite hours spend reviewing the instructions written by and for engineers, obviously, haven't figured it out. I'd like add some of the cool templates as backgrounds, but for some reason, clicking "add template" does not actually and automatically add the template. I recently attended a Seattle Food Bloggers meet-up, and found myself getting emotional about how hard I thought Moveable Type was to use as a blogging tool and how the dread associated with using the tool made me less than motivated to write. I may have cried later that evening.

So I'm at odds about whether or not to keep this blog. I may move musings.schelley.org to a different blogging service (fellow bloggers mentioned that Wordpress was much easier, and a colleague loves posterous.com, and no worries, the address will stay the same and should be transparent to all of you). I may take a long break and put this blog on hiatus. I'm also working on another idea, which could shape up into a new blog. Never fear, this would still be food related, but albeit, from a much different angle than what I've had with this one.

I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, if you have any strong thoughts about this blog - should I keep it? Should I go elsewhere? Should I do something different? - please ping me.