the Meaning of a Birthday
A friend of many years sent me an e-mail, wishing me happy birthday, on the day of. A "happy birthday and hope you have a great day" followed by a couple of happenings in her life. Her final line, "Anyways, I know our birthdays aren't as meaningful anymore..." I instantly felt like I had been punched in the stomach - the excitement of having a day that was, in that birthday sort of way, my own day, completely deflated. Thirty minutes later, a co-worker sang me a happy birthday song at the staff meeting. Birthday wishes floated around. Coincidentally, someone brought Top Pot donuts, and I found two with pink frosting and sprinkles (which I took to be a sign and ate). A few others, when I related the story, gave me a funny look and said, "No. Birthdays are very important. That wasn't a nice thing to say."
I agree. Birthdays are meaningful. A birthday always, instantly, justifies some sort of celebration. My birthday is really the only celebration I have that can be publicly all about me, a distinct difference from the private smaller ones of "oh, I got a new job" or "I finally finished that project" or "hey, it's Sunday dinner!" And, as I told Carrie "It's only me - I have to celebrate when I can".
I think that birthdays are meaningful in another way: it's a milestone, of sorts. It signals that you've survived happy and sad and difficul and exciting and the flatlining moments of life for another year. And, it is always a time for reflection, how life has changed (or not) and how I have changed (or not) since the last milestone. Two years ago, things were going badly, and I remember crying in my office on Caroline's shoulder in mid-October, an event prompted in part by pre-birthday reflections (I still listen to the excellent mix CD she made me to reflect that mood). A year ago, for number 33, I was in London, celebrating with lunch amongst the tragic upper crust at Harvey Nichols, a massage, the world's best martini at the St. James Hotel (so good, I had two) and amazing Fahlkredine dinner, surrounded by Nilay, Gabe and Carrie. I was desperately unhappy in my job and knew that I needed to make a change soon, before I lost my mind. And, I was chasing after someone who completely failed to notice.
A year later, I've moved to a new city, made new friends, deepened friendships with many of the old ones and am now in a job that makes me so much happier (and I'm not just saying that, Jeff). This past year has not always been easy - but I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about myself and what I want and set some goals for where I should be. Balance, peace, things that are personally fulfilling are more important than ever. I have stopped chasing.
Because it's my birthday, I will celebrate. I've planned a quiet little gathering, involving cake, champagne and some food. Because, it is a birthday and it means something to me and to my friends. (Apologies to friends that can't be here. Let me know and I'll drink a champagne toast in your honor).
So what about the comment? Likely, my friend would be shocked if she knew how much those words stung. It could have been a meaningless comment, something to fill the space of a four paragraph e-mail message. It may also have been driven from a much different perspective, of the dramatic differences in our lives and the paths we have taken over the past ten years. The differences and the comment don't invalidate the relationship we have, in fact, I like hearing stories of her life, and I suspect that she likes hearing my stories. The right thing to do is to go forward.
Just as an aside, my birthday falls on Muerta de las Dios, the Day of the Dead, a holiday to honor our deceased ancestors in the Mexican/Latina tradition. I'm still not sure what to make of it, although it is kind of cool that candy, in the shape of skulls and skeletons and other ghoulish stuff, is distributed. The date is November 2, for all of you not familiar with the holidays of our friends who live south of us.
And, to talk about food and alcohol, the themes of this blog. Tony sent me a very excellent "tapas" package from Dean and Deluca, with clay tapas dishes (the kind that a bar in Madrid used to cook me gambas), marcona almonds, black and green olives, chorizo, piquillo peppers and tuna in olive oil. Mom and Dad sent a set of beautifully decorated martini glasses, from a company named "Lolita" (!) and sporting the "Cosmopolitan" theme. The cosmo recipe is hand-painted on the bottom, in case I ever forget. And yes, the glasses have already been baptized.
Birthdays do have meaning, after all.